Last updated on January 23rd, 2024 at 08:52 pm

As I sit here, with a clear head. In a relatively mentally calm period. It almost feels like tempting fate to delve into my past struggles with Mental Health.

When the choppy seas of my mind are more like a peaceful pond it’s easier to get on with life and imagine times are always like this.

I believe, however, that people must speak about their troubled minds and share their experiences, especially men.

In this day and age when the world feels a lot more open to most things, some men still have barriers to get through in talking about their minds.

Before I continue with this blog post I want to say that I am not an expert on mental health. What I write here is my experience and I’m sharing them in the hope it may help someone. Everyone is different and you must seek help which is the correct route for yourself.

I always recommend starting with your Doctor.

I have spoken about my mental health a few times on the vlogs but never really gone into specific, deep details. I will try and cover what I can remember here.

My hope is that my story may help anyone with the same feelings that I went through for a long period of my life and still go through from time to time.

If you do want to watch the vlog where myself and Nick talk about our past struggles you can do so here:

Where did it all begin?

I’m going to be as open and truthful as I can and hopefully, you can make it through to the end where the story gets brighter. I’m not looking for sympathy, this is just my story. It’s part of my past and how I lived my life. It’s just my facts.

If you prefer to skip to the end where I talk about some things that helped me please do that.

To be honest and not to sound over dramatic, I feel the truth is, my problems started the moment I was born. I didn’t like to sleep at night. This is something that continued well into my childhood.

I hated being left alone at night in the dark. I was terrified of it.

Next came Nursery and junior school. I hated them both. I didn’t fit in with anyone, or at least that’s how I felt.

I always felt awkward around others whether it was people of my own age or older than me. My Mum had such struggles getting me to school some days, dragging me kicking and screaming.

I wasn’t a bad kid and rarely got into trouble, I just didn’t enjoy going to school and mixing with other children.

I was happier sitting in my room at home until the night came when I would hate my room and need lights on to consider sleeping in there.

It is a horrible feeling for your mind to feel scared of things that others seem to handle with ease and not know why you feel that way.

A little side note, I may be making it sound like my childhood was terrible. It wasn’t. I have a fantastic family, which you will have seen on the vlogs if you watch them.

I had a safe and secure home and was looked after by my lovely parents. It was my mind that was the nightmare

I had trouble making friends but hated being lonely. I could be in a room full of people and feel alone. I had a few friends but never any real best friends as I was growing up. I just couldn’t seem to get past my intrusive thoughts to make real connections.

Fast forward to when, in hindsight, I can now see my first real struggle with OCD thoughts. I was still young, probably around 10 or 11. I became a massive hypochondriac.

I would wake up every morning thinking I had one disease or another.

I went to the doctors numerous times with aches and pains which were probably nonexistent and had been conjured up by my mind. My favourite books were The A to Z of medical conditions or something similar.

I was convinced I had something in me, running from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. It consumed my thoughts from morning to night.

I’m not sure when this stopped but I remember the next really bad bout of OCD thoughts which I got stuck ruminating on.

It was a few years later, I was working at my first job so I would have been around 16

I was friendly with the female receptionist in her late 20s at work, we spoke most afternoons. We had a nice working relationship, very friendly, attractive, and outgoing.

One day, out of the blue, I was told she had committed suicide by sitting in her car in her garage with the engine on.

That day changed the next few years of my life. I was consumed with thoughts of death and dying. I couldn’t seem to get them out of my head. They were stuck in my mind in a constant loop. They made my stomach drop with dread every day.

I lived like a zombie in a world of dark thoughts, still painfully shy, not able to speak properly to anyone much or form any friendships.

I know I was painful to be around because I was so shy, people who were usually chatty would struggle to talk to me and move on to the next person in the room.

One evening I broke down in front of my Mum and opened up to her about the thoughts consuming me. She had empathy as she had gone through her own struggles with it as had others in our family.

I continued to struggle with life and my mind. I felt I was surviving rather than living. Life was passing me by while I sat in my room listening to music and watching TV.

My parents tried to involve me in things as much as they could but I was never really enthusiastic about anything. Looking back I can see a lot of the problem came from the fact I was hiding my sexuality.

I knew I was attracted to the same sex from a very early age, I was never straight.

I would like to think, the world is a much gentler place these days and if I could’ve been more open about that side of my life it would have been a huge relief and I wouldn’t have felt as burdened but who knows?

I hope that is the case for younger people who have yet to come out today.

Things started to change

I sat in my room, going to work and having the odd friend but by no means any close friends. Then the Internet came along when I was around 20, and this started to change things for me.

I found a way of communicating with other people which suited me perfectly. Chat channels, messengers. I found I could be myself on them, I could write everything I wanted to say which I struggled to get out verbally.

I typed it all out. I was outgoing, I never shut up, I was friendly, funny, witty, and part of many groups of people which I loved.

I had a new lease on life and felt comfortable with people for the first time in my life. The problem came when we would meet up in real life.

The outgoing, bubbly person I was online reverted back to the painfully quiet person in real life.

People wondered if it was the same person and joked that they should get a keyboard and put it in front of me so I could type what I wanted to say while around them.

I met a young man named Nick

One evening I went into a chat channel called Yorkshire and I met a young man named Nick. We got speaking about Star Trek. I saw through his tough outer shell and this is where I could say…… the rest is history.

My struggle with my mental health issues was unfortunately far from over. I was still shy around people and would turn the colour of a tomato if someone spoke to me.

The first night myself and Nick went out he sat and wondered what the problem was at the other side of a table in Mcdonald’s as I sat there in silence.

Over the years Nick has helped me immensely come out of my shell. I still to this day struggle when I meet new people if I’m not around Nick or someone else I know.

I do try my best to be the opposite of the person I was though,

I force myself to make conversation. People still say to me now “You are a lot quieter than you are on the vlogs” When I am on the vlogs, just myself and Nick or my close friends and family, that is my happy place, that is where I am comfortable.

If I am meeting new people I’m still quiet

We moved in together and I sat at my desk one day reading the news online (I should have been working, serves me right) and read a story of a prisoner who had harmed himself. This began another few years cycle of OCD thoughts.

“what if I get that bad I do something like that?” “what if I go insane and hurt myself” “What if one day you come home Nick and I’ve committed suicide” “What if what if what if” That’s all that ran through my head for years.

I would wake in the night shaking and shivering. Sometimes with no reason at all as to why Nick spent many sleepless hours awake with me, calming me down. This would last throughout my twenties.

I would go through the day like a zombie from lack of sleep. I had a life now but I was still surviving and not living like what I call a “normal” person. (god help me if I ever become normal, who wants that, but you know what I mean)

I struggled on into my early thirties. We would have friends over for weekends and have a great time and when they had gone I would say to Nick “I just feel like crying for no reason” he would say well go on then it will make you feel better.

I worried about everything, I couldn’t fly without sitting in silence with sweat running down me, petrified of every bump. Nick would arrange adventurous things like our road trip to California in 2009, all I wanted to do was cancel it and stay at home.

The smallest of decisions would drive me crazy. I remember one day my phone contract needed to be renewed and I had the choice of two phones. I spent two sleepless nights going over which one to pick, I couldn’t sleep because of the thoughts of these two phones in my head, my mind just wouldn’t switch off.

When I bought a Nintendo DS, I had to choose either white or black, I spent a week going over the benefits of both colours, looking at photos of each colour for days on the internet.

It may not sound like a big problem but thoughts like that would consume me and get in the way of living. If I went to the supermarket I could spend half an hour down the butter aisle deciding which to pick.

A simple decision could stop me in my tracks for days and make my brain clouded.

As I sit and write this now I can see how easy it is to say “You must have been a nightmare to live with” and I probably was.

But in those moments where your mind rules you, you can’t help it. You want to be normal but you can’t stop your mind from taking over.

I went to the doctor a few times and asked for help. I tried to explain the best I could what was happening but back then I felt too vulnerable and daft to come out with all the nitty-gritty details of how bad I actually was.

They always recommended Antidepressants and I always refused them, thinking that it was a step too far and it would finally be admitting that I was crazy. Instead, I opted for therapy.

It took six months for me to get an appointment and by the time it came through I was in a calmer period and the therapist said I seemed fine. The calm would pass and things would get bad again and the cycle would repeat.

Finally reaching out for help

I can’t actually remember what particular bad period I was going through to make the final Doctors call which helped me. Nick advised me to write everything down on paper instead of trying to explain it to the doctor.

I went in with a sheet of paper with all my worries, troubles, and innermost dark thoughts and the Doctor sat and read it. Again he gave me three options. Anti-depressants, therapy, or waiting to see if it was something I would grow out of. I was by this time in my 30’s.

I finally gave in and said let’s give the tablets a go. He put me on a mild dosage. The last thing he said to me as I left his office was “They may make you feel worse and more anxious for the first two weeks”

That was the worst thing he could have said. Of course, all I could think about was being worse for two weeks and whether they actually did make me worse or I manifested it myself, I spent a week in bed feeling like I was going even crazier while the tablets kicked in.

The thing with antidepressants is they don’t make you feel better overnight. It’s not like flicking a light switch and all of a sudden you’re cured by a miracle tablet. For me, it was more a case of certain days I just got on with things, some times I would go through a week and be what I would class as normal.

I wouldn’t realise it but my mind became calmer. Did the pills fix me? No, I still had bad days and bad weeks and to this day I still have days and weeks where all the joy seems to have been sucked out of my head and I walk around without any positive feelings.

But I started to feel less like I was going crazy and more like I could cope with things.

It was around this time that we started a business that took up the next ten years of our lives. We worked 12 hours a day and had very little downtime.

This may have helped me as I constantly had things to preoccupy my mind. I was so busy I didn’t have time to sit and ponder over things. I had to make decisions at a managerial level, HR decisions, and Finance decisions.

It was things I had never done before and I did this for a few years before Nick came and joined me. That, along with the antidepressants and maybe just getting older could have all contributed to my mind feeling more focused, less of a mess, and more like a “normal” person.

Now in my 40s, I feel my mind is calmer than at any other time in my life. I still take antidepressants. My Doctor has asked numerous times if I want to try coming off them. I always decline.

One said that the dosage is so low now (I moved to take them every other day rather than every day) that it’s probably not even doing anything.

It may be the placebo effect in full force but knowing I have those tablets and take one every other day just makes me feel like I have something which is making me feel better than I did.

I wouldn’t wish my previous state of mind on anyone and I would never want to go back to that. One day I may try to come off them but for now, I still use them.

What my struggles have taught me

Looking back over my words here it’s taken me back to thinking about my life. I may have made it sound like it was a pretty terrible early life. For a lot of time, it was.

My health was always well (even if I didn’t believe it) and my surroundings were very good, my family life was as good as anyone else’s. But if you asked me if I could erase all my issues and change my past, I would.

I hate to think of any young person struggling with mental health issues. It can be debilitating. Sat in your bedroom worrying about everything instead of out enjoying life.

There were other things I could go into such as Body dysmorphic disorder which I feel I suffered with (Although this could have been another part of my OCD life) but I think by now you get the picture.

Out of any misery we have to look for the positives. And that’s what I have tried to do over the years.

The true value of Family & Friends

For many years I struggled to communicate with other people. I made friends but seemed to lose them as I was too caught up in my own head. My family tried to get me to talk more and come out of myself but it didn’t happen until later in my life.

My family was there for me all along and has never let me down. I could count on them to try and make me feel better if I needed help. They would do what they could.

Nick has been my husband, my best friend, and my therapist throughout the years.

He has made me stronger and more outspoken and I am thankful every day for him.

Going many years desperately wanting friends but never being able to communicate with them properly has taught me the value of having them now I’m more “normal” I cherish every single friend I have and love nothing better than spending good times with good friends.

I’m not too bad to be around anymore

I was aware throughout the years that I was painful to be around as I was so quiet. I felt awkward around everyone. These days, I’m on what I call “the other side” of it, I find I relish time on my own, with my own thoughts and I try my best to make conversation with whoever I am with.

I’m still quiet at first and not always the center of attention or the life of a party. But I try my best these days and don’t turn the colour of a tomato quite so often.

Things I think have helped me over the years

Self Help Books

Some people run a mile at the thought of a self-help book. I was desperate for any help I could get and would turn to anything which gave me a little relief.

Someone gave me a bag of self-help books. This started my love of them at an early age (I was still a teenager) I would read positive words which would make me feel a little easier on myself.

It didn’t help me become less shy or awkward, but it helped, and when you feel so low in yourself, any help is like a blessing.

I spent years reading countless self-help books. The next one was the best I’d ever read and the one that would fix me. None of them ever did permanently but I believe reading about positive things is of benefit. We are all surrounded most days by bad news so it’s nice to shut that off and immerse yourself in a little positivity.

I read mainly fiction now but still dip into the odd self-help book. I do love a good self-improvement book, one that teaches you about the brain and its workings.

I love the science behind the brain and how you can teach it to be more positive. Back in the days when I was reading them as a teenager it just felt good.

These days there’s much more scientific evidence that you can learn to train your mind to be more positive no matter what age you are. Until you have a mental health issue you will never understand the slight relief that reading a self-help book can give you.

The books I feel helped me the most

I have two books (and some of their sequels) which I feel really helped me;

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

I know what a lot of people think about this book. Millions of people have seen it as a miracle book to get rich quick or one which made them feel worse about themselves as it teaches you that you are responsible for everything that happens in your life.

Had a bad day? it’s your fault. If you get sick, it’s your fault.

I read it the first time before I was on my pills and actually threw the book away halfway through it as I couldn’t get the idea that my thoughts were to blame for everything. For someone who was obsessed with bad thoughts, it made them worse.

I revisited the book a few years later and something clicked. It gave me some relief. Do I believe the universe can give me a million-pound check if I sit on my bed and think about it? No.

What I took from this book was the aspect of positive thoughts. I had lived with a negative mind for years and it taught me, bit by bit to be more positive.

To try and take control more of my negative thoughts and turn them more into positive ones. I feel it really helped me.

Whether it’s mumbo jumbo is down to the reader to decide, but again, it was some relief for me, and it’s a book almost 20 years later that I still read if I’m feeling low.

Some call this kind of book “toxic positivity” and I agree that covering up negative emotions with positive ones can be even worse as you are walking around feeling like a giant fake. Sometimes you have to let all those negative emotions out before you can make way for the good ones.

Cry, scream, rage journal. Do whatever you must do because letting those feelings out feels much better than holding them in.

You can then continue with some more positive thoughts in their place.

I really feel this book helped me be a more positive person. There are many sequels that I have read that all teach basically the same thing. I came across Gratitude journaling through The Secret and have kept one ever since.

I wrote in it every day for a year and still write in one to this day. It’s another way of training your brain to focus on the positive aspects of your life instead of always reaching for the negative.

Ruby Wax Books

The next one I always recommend is any self-help book by Ruby Wax. Some of you will have heard of Ruby Wax. You may remember her as a comedian with many funny British television shows.

She has struggled with Bipolar and depression all her life. Ruby decided one day she had had enough and changed professions. She went to university, earned a degree, and became a therapist and learned how the brain works and what makes people have anxiety and odd thoughts.

I enjoy her books as they are based on research into the brain, all backed up by science. She gives real-world proven techniques for relieving anxiety and tips and tricks to make you feel better.

I have read a ton of self-help books but those are the ones I go back to time and time again and feel they help when I need it

What else helps me?

Meditation

This is something that most self-help books have been recommending for decades. Now there is real scientific proof that meditating calms your mind and makes new positive neurons in your brain.

A long time ago it was believed our brains were fully developed by our mid-20s and we were stuck with who we were and how we felt.

Now it’s known that we can change our brains no matter what age we are (it’s called neuroplasticity) From all the research I have done, meditation is one of the best and easiest ways to help your mind. Whether you have anxiety, depression, anger management issues, or OCD. It can help them all.

The best thing about it is you can do it anywhere, for just a few minutes at a time. Sat on a plane (I now love flying btw), taking a bus journey, relaxing on the sofa. It doesn’t have to be sat crossed-legged on your floor.

Although that’s a good way also. I subscribe to the Calm app to help me meditate. There are ways to meditate that you can fit into your daily life better, which brings me to my next helper;

Mindfulness

I think of mindfulness as a sort of meditation that you do while you are going about your day-to-day life, not sitting down with your eyes closed. It teaches you to be more in the present moment and let thoughts go by without giving them too much notice.

Ruby wax books are heavily into these so I suggest reading those to get a really good feel for it. The Calm app also has lots of mindfulness meditations.

The present moment is all we have. The here and now. This moment that you are reading this article is your life. We tend to live in the future, anticipating what’s coming or retreading the past over and over. We give less and less time to the present moment.

The past is a present moment that has gone. The future is a present moment yet to come. The only life you have is always right now in the present moment. If you can teach yourself to remember that at all times (easier said than done), then you will find yourself able to cope with each present moment.

One day you will be content with the fact that life is just a series of present moments and if you can make it through each one then you’ll be okay with each and every day.

Journaling

I kept a diary as a youngster and into my adulthood. Not every day, just as and when I wanted to express myself somewhere. I found it easier to express myself in a book than communicate with people.

I kept travel journals with bits and bobs of receipts and maps etc. from the places we traveled. I kept a Gratitude journal for years after reading about it in “The Secret” book. You may have seen me take up an interest in creative journaling in lockdown 2, inspired by our lovely friend Lisa.

It took my journaling to a new place involving stickers, papers, and colours. I did this for a while, it was a great pass time in Lockdown and helped focus my mind at a time when it could have easily unraveled. Once lockdown was over I returned to my usual style of journaling.

I use a blank notepad and just write. Thoughts, goals, what I did a certain day, what I love, what I don’t love. If I feel bad I try and dump all my thoughts onto a page. Sometimes I just doodle. I find It very therapeutic.

It’s like having your own therapist in a book. You can use it whenever you want. You can use a digital version also. I use the Journey App.

At the end of your writing session, closing the book on your thoughts feels good. Leave them there and you can continue on your day without the burden of them cluttering up your head.

The Doctor

I had many appointments with my Doctor. Time and time again he recommended trying antidepressants. For years I refused them because of the naive thought that it would mean I really was crazy if I had to take pills.

The number one thing I would tell my younger self if I could go back is “try the pills!, give them a chance!” They may not work for everyone and it can take time to find the correct ones which work.

For me, it just eased the OCD to a point where I felt normal and could tackle the day-to-day without intruding, ruminating thoughts

Friends and family

Family and friends are always a massive help. Sometimes it’s difficult to open up to the people closest to you and tell them exactly what’s going on in your mind.

I used to think people would think I’m crazy. Nick used to say “If you have to ask if you’re crazy then you’re not, crazy people don’t know they are crazy”. He has a way of cutting through all the waffle and saying things how they are.

If you can find a friend or family member you feel comfortable talking to, it can be a massive relief just to get things out in the open (if you don’t have anyone, try the journal idea)

Helpful links to find help

• The Samaritans Whatever you’re going through, a Samaritan will face it with you. They are available to call here 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need someone to talk to, they are a great place to go
• Mind Website has a range of ways for you to get in contact with them and speak to someone who may be able to help with what you are going through
• The Calm website / App Calm’s goal is to help you improve your health and happiness. ( I use this all the time)
• Headspace website / App Headspace was started with one mission: to improve the health and happiness of the world.
• The Lodge Guys Facebook Group We have our own Facebook group which is filled with lovely helpful people. If you need someone to reach out to, lots of people there can help. We may not be experts but we can offer someone to chat with and interact with

Final thoughts

If you have made it to the end of this article then firstly, thank you for sticking with me.

The main reason for me writing this post was with the hope it may help even just one person.

When you are in the middle of a particularly bad mental health phase it can feel like you are the only person in the world who feels like that. It helps to know it’s not just you.

The number one thing I hope people take from this is; that there is help out there, you just have to force yourself to look for it and take action. It may feel like the last thing you want to do but please use one of the links up above or see your Doctor or speak to a friend.

My story is hopefully proof that although I’m not 100% mentally well, I feel I get better the more I go through life and the more I ask for help and use different techniques to try to calm my volatile mind

Help always starts with yourself. You have to be willing to make the first move, make the first call, and admit you need that bit of help. It takes strength to reach out for help. You are stronger than you think

Love from

Leigh

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